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Merging Past—Chapter 1…part 4

Right since her childhood, she had loved to teach. She used to collect the neighbourhood children and played teacher with them. The mothers loved her because she kept their kids from mischief. Kids loved her because she was a liberal teacher. She was happy as she was doing what she loved best.

It did not come as surprise to anyone when she became a teacher after completing her studies. Her dad was not much pleased though. He had wanted her to pursue medicine. That was not to be. Apart from teaching, she loved reading. At no time, she was without a book. In all her spare time, she read like as if there was no tomorrow.

Her parents wished for her to marry and settle down but she was not ready for that. She wanted to see the world a bit before she settled down. Anyway she thought that she was such a bookish girl so who would be interested in her? She hate to dress up, hated high heels, preferred a no make up look and was mostly in jeans and a loose shirt. Her ears and neck were bare too. She loved finger rings. More the merrier. IT was her one indulgence.

Her students were very fond of her. So were her colleagues. She was very motivational. She always tried new things. She kept changing her teaching methodology. Found new innovative ways to get across her points.

She taught mathematics and English. Such varied subjects. Both interested her. She wrote out plays for the school functions. Acting was not her forte but she liked to see her students enact plays. She taught them the nuances of acting.

Another thing, which interested her, was painting. She sketched whenever she had time. She loved to read about the great masters. Some days she wished to visit museums all over the world. Only thing she lacked was money.

Apart from all this, she worked for abused children too. It pained her to see kids being exploited. Especially girls. By their own relatives, even fathers. Most cases went unreported. She tried to persuade the girls to report these cases. It always was so difficult.

She wrote about those issues. Taking to poetry was easy for her. She loved the words painting a picture on the pages. She took up social issues and wrote about those. She tried to build up communities for the don trodden. No wonder she avoided marriage like the plague. Most did not share her enthusiasm.

IN the midst of all this, time just flew away. She got involved in her work and social services. Marriage was now a big no, no. She was a young girl any more. In India, marrying after 30 was not easy. That too for woman.

She had joined an art appreciation course. It was the third class when she saw him. He stood apart. He looked distinguished and did not belong to the crowd. She did not thing he would notice. She looked at him and then turned back to her book. After a while, she felt someone sitting next to her. She turned side ways. It was he.

‘Hello, I am Rishi Paul. And You?’

“Gemma.’

‘Just Gamma?’

‘Gemma Som.’

‘What do you do?’

‘I teach.’

‘painting?’

‘No, mathematics.’

“How come you are here?”

“I wanted to learn about arts. I was always interested in it since I was in school. I studied in school nearby.’ She named the school. He was impressed.

‘Are you married?’ he asked out of the blue moon.

‘no, are you?

‘no.’

‘good’. She was surprised to respond that way.

He just smiled. Got up and turns toward the lecture hall. After a while, she walked into there and found him to be the one who was going to lecture that day. So he too was a teacher, she thought.

He was an archaeologist who had been there at the right time. After the lecture was over, she lingered on for him. It was very unlike her. She seldom solicited strangers. He offered to drop her home after learning she would have taken a taxi. She did not drive. She had a phobia for it. She agreed. Somehow, in no time, they had shard their family histories. She was god at making friends. She made people feel at their ease. However, no one had done that for her. She kept herself away emotionally from people. She was wary that way. Nevertheless, he was different. He interested her, stimulated her mind. She was attracted towards him. She did not know how to let him know hat. She was no good at it. She had never felt this way for any man. She was no teenager. She was in her mid thirties. She should know better!

“Would you like to come for tea?’

“Let’s have tea somewhere other than your home’, he answered.
It was getting late. Her mother would worry. Yes, she lived with her mother. She nodded her head. She did not want to get away from him just yet. They reached the nearest café. After parking the car and locking it. He came to her side and held her hand as if he did that everyday. Electricity joltde through them both. She was still for a moment but did not show that it affected her. She curled her fingers around his and walked up to the elevator. They took a corner table. Before she could say anything, he had ordered dinner for them both. He did not ask her. She was amazed to know that whatever he had ordered, she would have ordered the same for herself. How and why?

Why was she so comfortable with him? Why did it feel she had known him always? It felt as if she had been searching for him without even being aware of it.

‘I feel the same way.’ He had read her thoughts. ‘I had always known that I would meet you like this. I have my instincts telling me that for years now. Do not ask me why or how. I just know it.’

She just looked at him. Her eyes filled with tears. She was seldom emotional like that. He held her hand and said, ’let us take one day at a time, ok?’

‘Yes.’

‘Now let’s eat.’

They started eating. However not before she had called her mother and told her that she was with a friend and get home a bit late. Her mother was not worried. She had always wanted Gemma to be happy and settled.

Rishi had travelled all over the world. He was never home. He had no one. All his family had perished in a road accident 10 years back. Therefore, he did not have any one to come home to. Until tonight.

“But I am not living at your place.’ Unthinkingly she blurted out.

‘Oh, you will. Not today but soon’. He said it very confidently. She did not reply but she knew he was right. He only had to ask, she would go anywhere with him. They had met only a few hours back but she instinctively trusted him. They finished their dinner in silence. He ordered a sundae for her with asking her. She loved sundaes. How did he know that? He did not say anything. He only looked at her and smiled.

She did not want to get up. They had to. He paid the bill and helped her get up from her seat. They walked down to the car. It was getting cold. He started the car and dropped her home. He did not linger. They had already exchanged phone numbers and had made a date for the next day. She could not wait to be with him. She slowly walked home. Her mother was there even before she rang the bell. She did not ask any questions. Although she must have seen the car. Gemma did not volunteer anything.

She went to her room, changed into a loose gown and plopped on her bed. Wishing for him to call her. As if he was waiting for it, he called her. She was thrilled to bits and went on talking to him. How long they talked and what about she did not remember in the morning. She got up late and was so tired getting ready for school. All day long, her mind was not with her. For once, she was unable to teach to the best of her abilities. She only wanted to get back home and wait for their date. It was very painful for her to get through the day.

When she finally got home, he saw his car in front of her home. She was suddenly elated. When she walked into the living room, she found her mother and him in the midst of a conversation and was very elated too. She was so happy that her mother liked him too. She would not have liked it if her mother had not liked Rishi. However, her fears were unfounded. Her mother was indeed warmed up to him.

She even asked him to stay for lunch and then left them both to be with each other. She sat down opposite him. He looked at her for a while and came around to her to sit along side her. She moved a little giving him space but he pulled her towards him

“Mother?’

‘Oh, she won’t come.”

She stopped her protests and let him hold her. She who hated to be touched by any one was very comfortable with his arms around her shoulder. She always liked to have hr space but with him, she did not feel the need. Slowly his fingers started to massage her neck. She again felt the electricity between them. He must have felt that too. He removed his hand from her and moved back to his place sitting opposite her. She did not ask why. She knew it. He could hardly give in to his and her passion while her mother was there. She was glad that they were not alone.

Mom came and told them that lunch was ready. She went to wash and change. When she came back, the food was already on the table.

He was all praise for the mother’s cooking. They kept discussing food. At every chance, he touched her hand. Her mother noticed but did not say anything. After lunch and collecting the dishes, her mother went to her room leaving them alone.

(1753 words)

Merging Past—–Chapter One—part 3

The weather was stormy for the whole week. The shop was closed, as it was too cold to venture out. The three of them stuck in that old house together. Out of the three, only Disha seemed to be spirited. Gemma was listless and Tara was busy showing her disapproval. She had expected Gemma to talk about Disha’s dad. However not a single word was forthcoming from Gemma. What could she say anyway? There was nothing to say. Disha was hers alone. No one could claim her and take her away. Gemma preferred and wanted it that way. Disha would be told the truth after a few years when she was old enough to understand. Children adapted well to all situations. They accepted easily enough. One had to love them unconditionally. Gemma loved Disha with her whole being, with all intensity.

 

No other love could compare with that. Love had so many manifestations. Nevertheless, love for a child was above everything else. Gemma had known passion, thrived in it. Finally lost it. She did not regret anything. One had to move on. She had too without looking back. Heartache had no place in your life when you had a small kid to consider. Same was the state with Gemma. She had retreated into this unknown place due to Disha. Now she had to get back to the mainstream for Disha. They could not hide here forever. Tara was right. Disha had a right to know her family.

 

Gemma too had to reclaim her old life. She used to paint and write poetry. It seemed so long ago. She had aspired to publish a book of poetry. Everything that happened in between seemed like a dream. Although it was not. Disha was no dream. She was a reality and Gemma was very proud of that fact.

 

Cooped up in that house in that drab weather was not healthy for either of them. They were all brooding in one way or other. Tara showed her anger by banging dishes. Gemma went even more silent. Disha was throwing tantrums more often. The situation was tightrope waiting to explode. Gemma could feel it in her bones. She had mentally calculated their financial situation. She was waiting for the time. She had to sell this house and give over the shop. Only then, they could get out of here. Go where? She sighed. There was only one place. She was sure of her welcome. No questions, only plain acceptance and love. Pouring love. Question would come but judgements would not be made.

 

‘Tara, would you mind leaving this village forever?’ Gemma asked.

 

‘You thinking of leaving it? And you want to take me with you?’ Tara asked bluntly.

 

‘Yes. I cannot think of leaving you behind. You are my family. You are Disha’s granny. We both want you with us.’

 

‘No, I don’t mind. I only have you two as family. No one else. There is nothing for me if you go away. When do I start packing?”

 

‘Not so soon. We have to sell this house. Moreover, the shop. Money is important if we have to start from scratch. I cannot let you two starve. Me, I can go with out food.’ Gemma said with a slight smile.

 

Tara chuckled and then sobered up, ‘you know, I have a little of my own. You can use that.’

 

‘Yes, I know. I will if we need it. I promise.’

 

‘Thanks.’

 

‘I am hungry. This weather makes me very hungry.’

 

‘I am glad. You have hardly eaten anything lately.’

 

All of a sudden, the tense atmosphere had lightened. Both women felt better. After dinner, they sat down in the rug in front of the fireplace to watch TV. It felt so right. Gemma got out her book. Tara settled down to knit and Disha fell asleep just as promptly.

 

Gemma had an urge to write. She got up and fished out her old journal. She flipped through it. Unknowing tears fell on the yellowing pages. She could not believe she had written those words. Her pen moved and words poured yet again. Her blocked thoughts flowed on to the pages. With no beginning, with no end. Writing came furious and fast. Disjointed at first. Linear after a while. Curved yet again. Words could make, words could mar.

 

Thoughts make us, thoughts break us. Those had made Gemma stronger.  She stopped writing, looked at nothing, and retreated into herself to give in those memories, which she had kept, tightly locked in her mind. She seldom gave in to those. Tonight, her writing had been a catharsis, releasing those dead emotions. Getting those out in the open..

 

Sometimes she wondered. Why had she given up her comfortable job and come here taking in Disha’s responsibity? How could she not? It was in her agenda always to be a mother to a girl. Disha had fulfilled that desire.

 

Gemma got up and stretched. Walked around the room. Brr! It was cold. Wind was howling. Storm was brewing yet again. More rains, more cold. She checked on Disha, Tara had fallen asleep on the rug too. She picked up Disha, woke Tara and all three went up to retreat for the night.

 

Gemma fell asleep as soon as she got into bed.

 

Slowly a hand touched her hair, cupped her neck, bending over her kissed her mouth. She opened her arms and held him closer. Felt that strong lean body with her fingers, so familiar yet so strange. She purred when he touched her. Moving closer, she let him. He was the only one who could touch her this way arousing her just by his kiss. Passion with him came so fast and was intense. There had been no one else who could do that. She came alive in his arms. She saw life in his arms. She saw death in his rms. Her love for him had no end, no beginning. A circle. She traced her fingers on his smooth back. Yes, she had pulled off his shirt. Her caftan was undone too. When he drew circles on her belly, she fell apart. He knew how to push her buttons. His hands were all over her. Touching her everywhere. She moved restlessly against him, needing him, wanting him. It had been so long. She was ready for his possession. He too was as ready. He could never hide his need from her. She sighed deeply, blindly reaching for him, urging him. And woke up. She sat up with a start. She was alone.

 

That dream had been very real and very vivid and had come after so long. Why? She had not been thinking of him. Her only thoughts were about Disha. Was it a sign/ an omen? Did he ever think of her? The way she did?

 

She got up and got herself a glass of water. Going over to Disha, she pulled the cover, which she had kicked. Sleep was far away. Her body had remembered the passion I had experienced long time ago. Now Gemma lead a life of a nun. She was simply not interested in any relationships.

 

She got to her bed but did not lie on it. She simply stared at the darkness. His images coming to her. Tall, lean with muscles. Dark eyes, strong jaw line, dark hair. Brooding, intense and passionate. He loved with all his might and hated too the same way. He had shown her his passionate side, vulnerable side. No one knew him as deeply as she did. She had loved him so much but had to live him. She instinctively knew that he would have loved Disha. There was no question of not loving her. The bonding, which should have come due to Disha, had broken them apart.

 

Rain was hammering like he thoughts in her mind. No letting up. It was not normal for this season. Winters had come early because of the rains. As a child, she had always like winters. She loved to dress up in layers. Now, it was not so. Winters scared her. It brought sniffles for Disha, She had asthmatic problem. That had to be taken care of. Doctors had said Disha needed constant medical care. She was provided that even though I was a small village. Medical facilities were good. Gemma was always grateful for small mercies.

(1397 words)

Merging Past—-Chapter One—Part 2

When she woke up next morning, the weather was as stormy as her thoughts, dark, deep and beating on the rooftop. It meant no work. The shop had to be kept shut. She would use this time to spend it with Disha. Lately she had been neglecting her. They could get that fireplace started and play in front of that. She would read for her. She thought to read for herself too. Long time she had a book to its completion. There had been simply no time for herself. She had loved books so much but for the past three years, there had been other priorities. Her books still lay packed in those boxes. She had not spared those a single thought until today. May be it was a good omen. She stretched and got up. After brushing her teeth, she came back and checked Disha who was sleeping through this entire storm. She was glad about this time to herself. Tara would be out of bed. No matter how late she was for bed, Tara always got up early, was always awake before Gemma.

During or after dinner last night, she had not spoken to Tara, choosing to ignore her. Tara too had studiously avoided speaking to her about anything other than food. Disha had sensed the tension between them and had been restless. However, as kids are, she had fallen asleep promptly after Gemma carried her to bed.

Tara got her tea in bed, sat down with her. It was not something Tara usually did.

‘Terrible day,” she said, ‘you stay home today. It was a statement not a question.

‘Yes, I will, with you and Dish. We will just relax, ‘she sad sipping her tea.

Tara snorted,’ rest?’ with you two at home?’ forget it! However, I will like the company. It gets too much to be alone the whole day long with you too at the shop.

That was an exaggeration. Disha stayed home most days. Nevertheless, she let it pass, smiling a little. Tara was pleased that they were back on easy rapport with each other. She let Tara fuss over her and Disha. Her heart welled with affection for this woman who had been an anchor to her in her time of need. She also was aware that Tara had not done anything out of sense of duty but genuine love for them both. Without Tara, she would have been able to manage her own life, let alone Disha. Out of an impulse, Gemma got up and hugged her. Tara was pleased, returning her hug.

‘Tara, do you have time?’ she aked tentatively.

“Why, yes, I do.’

‘I would like to show you something.’

For the first time in three years, Gemma had asked something like this. Tara was intrigued. Saying nothing, she sat down on the chair next to the bed. Disha did not stir at all. Gemma got out a big packet out of her bureau. She had seldom opened it before this. Always keeping it locked although the key was never hidden out of sight. With care, she took out photographs. Tara was amazed. Never before, Gemma had looked t those pictures, let alone ask her to.

She picked on the top. It was a photo of a woman, an older version of Gemma in a Sari. She looked serene with greying hair and smiling face.

“My mother. I took it just before I came here. She did not I was going to leave her the next day. She still does not know why I had to get away. Hope she is well. I miss her. Sometimes I feel her calling out to me. I know she would have loved Disha but I did not give her the opportunity. She is not aware of her existence.’

Tara was jolted out with that admission. Although he was curious but she stopped herself from asking anything, further. She decided to listen. Gemma went about looking at other photographs without volunteering anything else. She did show her pictures of her two brothers, both older and another picture of her younger sister. There were many pictures of children to which she mentioned being her nephews and nieces. She said that they must have grown by now. Tara observed that Dish did not resemble any one of her family. When she asked that, Gamma just nodded saying nothing. Tara was most curious to know about Disha’s father but none was forthcoming. She did not press. She had always assumed that Disha had been born out of wedlock and Gemma had to leave everyone behind to bring up Disha. Not letting the stigma of her daughter’s illegitimacy touching anyone of her family.

Both were lost in their thoughts. Disha woke up and found both women fussing over her. The next hour was spent getting Disha ready for the day. After leaving her in Tara’s care, Gemma went about getting a bath. She took her own time, as she did not have to hurry to open the shop. She felt light headed after a long time. Looking at those photographs had released those blocked emotions. She felt ready to face the world yet again.

She had spent all her passion hankering after something she could never have. Now was to time to put it all behind and plan for Disha’s future. It could not be ignore any longer.

She dressed in her oldest pair of Jeans and a faded shirt with a shawl thrown in on the top. She Walked to the kitchen and found Disha throwing food all over the kitchen, Tara looking her with exasperation,

‘Princess, why aren’t you eating?’ She asked.

‘I want chowmein’

‘So early in the morning? You have cornflakes now. We will see about that chowmein latter.’

‘I want now.’

‘No way. Mornings are for healthy meals. See I will have corn flakes with you today, ok?’

As she seldom had anything other than a cup of tea, Tara was surprised. She got her a bowl, poured warm milk adding sugar and brought the corn flakes putting a handful into the milk.

Disha mutinously watched her mother eat the corn flakes and slowly started to ea hers. Tara too sat down to have a cup of tea sighing audibly.

After finishing breakfast, Tara got up, picked up the dishes and washed those. Tara protested but the deed was already done. Pouring herself a cup of tea, she along with Disha got to the living room. The both a lit a fire and sat down in the rug in front. Disha got her crayons and books out. Gemma read her a few stories, pausing in between to explain the pictures. Disha got out her drawing book and with her crayon started to draw a family.

When Gemma looked at it after a while, she was surprised to find two women, a little girl and a faceless man in that picture.

Before she could ask, Disha piped in, ’that is my dad. Nico says (Nico was their neighbours 5 year old boy) everyone has a daddy. As I have not seen mine, I suppose I ca not draw his face. When you show me my dad, I will draw his face. Where is my daddy, momma?’

Finally, that question was here which she had expected and feared the most. She had closed her mind to it. She had known too that she could not keep it that way forever. Disha needed to know. But now? Who decides the timing? How does one do that? The world, which had become a little rosy, was bleak again. The ongoing storm did nothing to the sinking feeling.

In answer to her question, I hugged her closer and said, ’would you like to watch cartoons?’

She is forgot all about her conversations and jumped gleefully. Gemma seldom allowed her to watch TV. Therefore, it was a treat for her. They sat down on the couch, switched on the TV and settled down to watch the antics of Tom and Jerry. Well, Disha did. Gemma was watching it all unseeingly. The pang she had felt returned manifold. Her mind grew restive.

Disha was not going to leave it at that. Her questions would come again and persist. Once a child became inquisitive, there was no stopping her. Disha was very bright. She was always asking questions and seeking answers. Gemma was proud of her daughter and never stopped her from asking questions until today. She answered all her queries as best as best as she could until today. Today she had deliberately avoided answering and was not proud of the fact. She wanted to be a good mother. Se wanted to set a good example for her.

All this while Tara had been busy doing household chores. Gemma had not given her much thought. Now she found Tara holding that drawing and looking at it with deep concentration. She was thrilled that she had been included in that family photo but was sad for Gemma. She knew that Disha would now ask questions about her non-existent daddy. It was going to be tough for all of them. Tara did not know a thing about Gemma’s past. In a way, she was relieved. However, Gemma was going to be affected by it. How, Tara did not know. Gemma had kept that part closed within her heart. She had only barely existed. Oh, she was passionately involved with the crafts of that area and loved her daughter with all her being. Nevertheless, one look at her, anyone could predict something important was missing in her life.

Rest of the day was sombre for all of them. Disha sensed the mood and was quiet, playing with her dolls. Tara went on baking batches of cookies they did not need. Gemma went around checking her accounts calculating her finances. If she needed to get away, she ha to make sure, all three should not starve. For those initial months, they needed a tidy sum. Tara somehow sensed that. She too was mentally calculating her finances. Gemma paid her every month. She had protested too saying that she did not need it as she was staying wit them. She had no needs for herself. She was all alone. However, Gemma had brushed that aside, had opened a bank account and put a certain amount of money in her account. Tara had hardly touched it. She only withdrew money from it when she bought gifts for Disha and Gemma. If not or her, Gemma would have gone without a single initially. Now the village women got her gifts in the form of handicrafts, food and other knick-knacks needed to run the household. Personal gifts were only given by Tara. Gemma was always happy to get something from her.

(1803 words)

Merging Past—Chapter One–Part 1

Slamming the door, rapidly she walked away from her car. Gemma had to go to the neighbouring village once a week every Wednesday. She did not like to leave Disha alone for long. The call she had received from Tara had not been specific but had something to do with Disha. She was in a panic. Her main concern was her daughter. Lost in her thoughts, she was not even looking where she was going. She knew she had to reach her daughter as soon as she could. When she reached a corner, Disha came running to her calling out,”Momma.”

Her first thought was sheer relief. Disha was ok. She was clutching her trousers and seemed distressed though. “What happened, princess?” She asked.

“I fell down. My knees hurt.”

So much for her worries. It was only a scrapped knee. She bent down. Dutifully looked at the now band-aided knee. She kissed it better. Tara, Disha’s nanny came running. She said that she had called because Disha had been crying a lot for her mother after she fell down while playing with Nico, their neighbour’s child…

Disha although three was not a difficult child. As any child of her age, she was active, talked dime a dozen. She endeared herself to all, with her beguiling smile. For Gemma, since the day Disha had come into her life, nothing mattered any more. She seldom thought of her past now. What was there to dwell? Apart from Disha, she liked her new work very much. It brought her closer to her heritage, that heritage which she had not given much thought before she had landed up her with a few month old daughter. Slowly she had built her life in the community, which had taken while to accept her for what she was.

With fortitude, she had gone on looking after Disha and started to build a co-operative society, which involved the women of that particular area. Most were skilled in making handicrafts, knitting, weaving. At first, the women were reluctant to sell their wares, thinking those were not good enough. It had taken her months to persuade them and she had finally done it.

With all her savings, she had opened a little shop for them to display their wares. As was expected, it was a slow going initially. However once it picked up, there was no going back. Now there was a demand from other neighbourhood places. Even women from there too had joined the movement mobilising more people. The men folks too were happy about their women getting home money to keep the fires burning.

Now she had well and truly left her past behind. She had not in her whole life imagined she would be staying in this small place out of nowhere and making a life for herself and her daughter. Four years prior to this, if any one had said that, she would not have believed him at all.

As Gemma had cut short her Wednesday visit, she went and opened her shop although it was a weekly off for them. She brought Disha with here who liked to play there watching the people come by. She liked to draw too. Gemma had kept each scrap of he drawing. She sensed that Disha had it in her to be an artist if she was given the right encouragement. Sometimes Disha reminded her of him. Her daughter had that same penetrating way of looking at things. Brushing those thoughts aside, she went about her job of placing the best pieces of handicrafts for display. Although it was a quaint place, it attracted many tourists. Most were honeymooning couples who liked the quietness of it. It was a sleepy place with so many wildernesses. The air was always redolent with the smell of the local wild flowers. It was not placed in maps but still people got here from word of mouth. Her wares too attracted many who had visited the neighbouring villages.

Sometimes in the peak season, she even let out one of her three rooms. It fetched her some much-needed finances. With a little girl growing, she needed to do all she could.

Since morning, she had some kind of foreboding, a deep sense of restlessness. She could not place it. She had no reason to feel the way she was doing. The days of utter despair had been a long time ago. It felt like an eternity. With Disha in her life, those days were long gone. Disha gave her a purpose, a direction. She had named her daughter Disha because the literal meaning of Disha was purpose and direction. Before Disha, Gemma had not known where she was going.

The door opened interrupting her thoughts. Disha had been drawing singing to herself all the while. A young couple in their early twenties came into her shop to look around. She just let them be. She seldom persuaded anyone to buy anything specific. She let them choose what they wanted and if they asked for anything specific, she showed them those if available. A few times, she even got things made by order if there was enough time. The young couple looked at the hand knitted sweaters and cardigans. Those were very soft and looked very good. She always kept the best of things. Anything defective was rejected outright. The girl wanted to try a few cardigans, finally deciding on buying two. Her husband wanted a few pairs of hand knitted socks. Those always old like hot cakes. They both picked up other knick-knacks like woodcarvings, small statues etc. She packed those meticulously with brown paper. After paying her, both left after lingering there for a while asking her about the local foods and he places worth visiting.

This was only the beginning. There was steady stream of customers after that. It was a peak period for tourists. She was kept busy. She had no time to think about her foreboding thoughts. Disha too was happy to be with her mother. Playing in her tiny corner. Disha had the ability to switch into herself like Gemma. Sometimes she was amazed about many things about Disha. That child of hers surprised her at many steps.

When, she finally closed the shop, Gemma was bone tired. She had been at her feet all day. Disha too was sleepy. She carried her daughter who promptly fell asleep on her shoulder sucking her thumb. She only did that when she was very tired. Her love poured into her sleeping daughter softening her features. She walked the short way to her home. It was already very dark. Night came on early in those hilly regions even though it was just after 6 pm.

Tara opened the door even before she rang the bell. That native woman had been her lifeline from the day she arrived into this village with her daughter. One look at them both, Tara had proceeded to adopt the pair of them. Gemma did not even remember how she inveigled in her home. Initially Gemma had resisted but had finally given in when she realised that Tara was all alone and need to look after them just the way she needed someone to look after her daughter. Now she could not imagine here home without Tara. She was like the mother; Gemma had left behind long ago. She felt a pang thinking of her mother. The mother who had always cared for her, who had supported her. However, she had not even tried to tell her whereabouts to her mother when she arrived her. Too many reasons…

She put Disha in her little cot and went to freshen up. She changed into a very old faded caftan, which had held to many memories, but those too were faded over the times. Tara brought her tea and milk for Disha. She gently woke up her daughter, taking her to freshen up in the bathroom. Got her changed into her favourite cartoon print night suit. Clutching her tattered stuffed elephant, Disha drank her milk and again fell asleep against her.

Holding her closer, Gemma too closed her eyes. Suddenly her mother came behind her eyes making the tears fall fast and furious. She missed her so much. Maybe now was to time to contact her again. She knew her mother would be proud of Disha and love her for herself not because she was Gemma’s daughter. Lost in her thoughts, she clutched her daughter closer hurting her. When she whimpered she came back into her surrounds and found Tara watching her with concern. She smiled signalling she was ok. Tara worried about her. Although it was almost three years, she had not been able to unburden herself to Tara. That good woman had accepted her for what she was and had not questioned her. Sometimes Gemma felt guilty for not letting Tara anywhere near her thoughts. She kept that burden to herself. Her thoughts always took her to him in those lonely nights when all was quiet. At such times, she watched over Disha getting sustenance from her sleeping form.

She did not want Disha to grow up wanting, not in love, not in anything. She did want Disha to be aware of how she was dependent on her own child. She wanted Disha to be a healthy child in all aspects, in mind, body everything. She too knew that she could stay here forever for her daughter’s sake, hiding from her world. Disha deserved to know her family roots, her uncles, her cousins…Most important Disha had to have a good education. Gemma did not want to thin of those but one of these days in near future, she had to make hard decisions. How long can she prolong it? Tara’s future too had to be considered. Tara was getting on by age and Gemma could not leave that uncertain. Tara had been there when she had needed her.

It was getting cold. She stirred. Tara had got a rug and covered them both.

“Dinner?” She asked.

“Not today.”
“You have to eat and so does the girl. You cannot go on like this. You hardly ever eat anything. It is time to let the past go and live life fully. You are still young and the girl needs a life other than what this village offers. There is not even a proper school for her. You cannot teacher at home forever. I have known what has been in your mind for the past few days. You do not tell me anything but I can read your thoughts. You know, I love you like my own daughter and her as my grand daughter. Now come, eat.”

Before I could react, wiping her eyes, she left me to get our dinner.

Word count: 1801